“Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves, ebbing & flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, & sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” -Vicki Harrison

Grief is a weird thing. It manifests in different ways. It depends on the sort of situation that has caused the it, the season of life one is in, how emotional a place one is in, the atmosphere that surrounds a person going through it, etc. etc. etc. It is something that some people choose or prefer to walk through alone, which in my opinion (& because I tend to draw myself inward when I hurt) is not necessarily the best way to do this. Still. Others chose to do this bravely & open up sharing their rawness with the world around them, whether this be with one or many. Some have a hard time with quietness & need the world to know that they are hurting & so grieve loudly for the world to here. I don’t think there is a right or wrong way to grieve. It’s a really hard thing that is personal for any person dealing with it. Nobody should judge another person for the way they go about this process, hurt is hard & we are human & we need to deal with it. I guess I’m writing this because I have been dealing with a wave of grief, this happens both randomly & timely as each year progresses. There are different things that stir it up for me. The other reason I am writing this is because I know there are people around me who are also dealing with the grieving process & I hurt for them as well.

The definition of GRIEF according to the dictionary is as follows:

-deep sorrow, especially that is caused by someone’s death.

–trouble or annoyance.

The word GRIEF is taken originally from the french word grever which means to burden.

I would definitely agree that to burden is an accurate way to describe the physical feeling of grief. It really does weigh down on you. It is draining & exhausting & at least for me, my heart physically feels like it is aching.

AND IT’S NOT BAD. Grief is OK. It is necessary. It is (sadly) part of every human’s journey through this life. It does in the end, make us stronger, I believe. I also think it makes us more compassionate, more empathetic to the world around us. These are good things. I know that even though grief never fully goes away, with its waves of old grief & new grief that comes, it grows me into someone better for the world around me.

“What we have once enjoyed deeply we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us.” -Helen Keller

 

Currently, I am grieving the loss of our baby. Every January rolls around & leading up the the 24th I wait & grief & walk through our reality of our baby not being here. He would have turned 3 this month. January 24th was his due date. Instead, on July 17th, I went through labor, miscarried & lost our son at 13 weeks along in my pregnancy. It was one of the worst days of my life. So, each January, I ache. I also ache each July with the same waiting, reflecting & opening up of my heart & letting myself grieve our loss. We are also going to start celebrating his short life in my womb on July 17th each year with our family. We are going to celebrate that day as his birthday & remember that even though he is not here with us, we get to have eternity with him. That, my friends, is hope. That is the goodness that we wait for with joy, even though we walk on this earth with this sadness.

Grieving is a part of life. It’s a part of each of our stories. My personal journey of grief with losing our son, Tobias (the Lord is good, God is good) Kedrick (gift of splendor) Jenks is one that will be part of my life on this earth until the day I die. I look forward with great anticipation towards the beauty that is eternity for many reasons, but one of the most important to my heart is definitely getting to embrace our son. It will be a glorious moment. All of the sadness of this life, this breath of air, this quick visit on earth will pale in comparison with eternity. All will be made new. That, will be reality forever & ever & ever. I can’t even wrap my brain around it.

So for now, I will go on grieving, because it is necessary. Because it is hard. Because it will bring me that much closer to the day heaven becomes my home. I will grieve because it allows me to link arms with SO many other women around this world who have lost their babies too. I will be mad with them, I will hurt with them, I will encourage them to grieve in whatever way they need to. Losing a baby, losing a child, is not ok. There is nothing fine about it. That’s not the way it was designed, but sadly it is the way it is. So we grieve & we grow & we see goodness come at some point, in some way.

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, & of unspeakable love.” -Washington Irving

For me, each day I get to hold my 3 babies who are here on earth with us, I get to kiss them & snuggle them & spend our days together. I get to grieve with them for the loss of their brother & also remind them that heaven awaits. Death is not the end. Cora, our second, is our rainbow baby. She came after our loss of Tobias. If you haven’t heard that term before, it is to describe life after a loss. After the rain clouds, the storm, the loss, comes the rainbow. That is life. That is a gift. Every child is a gift. I am so grateful for ours here on earth & just as much for our little one already dancing with the King of Kings. I love that when we carry the hope of heaven, when we KNOW that that hope is real & true, we can go on each day in life. We can look forward. We can pick up our eyes & remember, even in our grief, that life is a gift, that it is precious & it is not guaranteed. Making each day be what it needs to be, in our sadness & in our joy. It’s all significant guys.

With that all being said, if you are in a place of hurt, a place of aching, I feel you. Today, my heart is heavy. My eyes are sad. I am still full of hope & I still find joy, but mostly, I am sad. And that is ok. I want to validate you if you are grieving. You aren’t alone friend. I tip my cap to you & I understand your sadness. We will get through this one day at a time & somehow will be better humans, more kind humans, to the people around us. Thank you for your rawness, for your honesty in hard times. The world needs more of that. I hope that my honesty with my grief has helped you. And now, lets move into tomorrow with hope in our hearts & BE in whatever part of our process we are in. Fully.

“You will lose someone you can’t live without, & your heart will be badly broken, & the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly – that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.” -Anne Lamott

 

Cheers,

Katie.

P.S. All of the above photos are from one of our trips traveling abroad while I was pregnant with Tobias. I cherish that time greatly & all of the time we had with him.